The Queen, Translated
“If my completely innocent actions are somehow related to you making yourself upset, and if it’ll make you feel better for me to say ‘I’m sorry’, then, I guess, ‘I’m Sorry’”.
“Hey, remember when my great-grandads owned your great-grandads as property? I do. That’s where I got all my money! Oh, we put a stop to that eventually, of course, out of the goodness of our hearts. We’re nice like that. So nice, I’m honestly, naively baffled that you would raise the issue of race. Very concerning indeed, not very proper, not the done thing, my dear. This family was chosen by God to rule this land at some point or other, calling us racist is pretty much calling God racist if you think about it. Do you want to go on record calling God a racist, Meghan? The royal family is not racist. Decrepit stewards of a slush fund plundered over centuries off the backs of childen, broken families, enslavement and torture, demolishing millennia of history and laying the roots for a future total ecological collapse in the process? Hey, if the shoe fits. But racist???”
“I don’t even know why I’m bothering to respond at all, when nothing you said was ever true in any way. Whatever it was you said happened, no it didn’t. We remember differently. Meghan, honey, we’ve already established 1) you make yourself upset for no reason, and 2) you think God himself is a racist, and are prone to other such wild accusations.”
“Even if you weren’t lying, (which you are), Americans can tut tut all they want. We’ve got the Brits wrapped around our royal little finger. Remember when your uncle-in-law went on national television and lied to the public about assaulting a teenage girl? We can say anything we want, they’ll believe it. He made up some nonsense no-sweating medical condition, everything short of winking into the camera lens. They lapped it up. Whatever you say happened — no it didn’t.”
“You can accuse us of awful crimes against innocent children. Of reveling in hypocrisy, rolling out on a literal golden throne to teach the working class the importance of belt-tightening. But do not ever embarrass us. That’s our job. You know what, you don’t even deserve a serif font. This is a gussied up Notes app screenshot, the lazy transmissions tabloid fodder celebrities use to pretend they aren’t in love with their own drama. Run off to SoCal with that idiot for all I care. Never show your face here again. Car crashes can happen out of nowhere. We own this island. Get bent.”
ENDS
